Sasuke Uchiha is a Piece of Sh!
by SSSP-shhh
Summary: Sasuke doesn't talk to Naruto for nine monthes. That f***ing bastard.


**Hey y'all. This was my first M-rated fanfic and it got taken down a little while ago because it had inappropriate words in the summary. I'm just reposting it now (I didn't bother making edits to typos, 'cause I'm lazy like that). I also don't remember what I previously said in this space. So please enjoy!**

* * *

Sasuke Uchiha is shit.

No, seriously, I'm not kidding you here. Sasuke Uchiha is a piece of shit.

I had the right idea when I first met him. He's an impassive, obdurate, insipid, narrow-minded bastard.

Yeah, pretty damn impressive vocabulary, right? Too bad I didn't come up with it myself. Sakura said that to me a while ago, while she was ranting about him. I have no idea what the hell it means. But it's probably something like: Sasuke Uchiha is a mother-fucking, son of a bitch, shit-head.

Now don't go thinking I'm stupid just 'cause I don't know what a couple of dumb words mean. I'm plenty smart. I can even pass exams without cheating now. Not that he would know, Mr. I-Have-a-Permanent-Stick-Up-My-Ass.

It's been nine fucking months since he betrayed Madara during the war and came back to our side. Apparently, Madara was planning to kill him and crap. I don't really know. I was too excited my best friend was coming back to listen to that shit.

Anyhow, it's been nine months now and he still hasn't spoken to Sakura and I since that first awkward reunion. I know that it was weird and all, but damn it, didn't he have the fucking courage to give the whole thing another fucking shot?

Sakura said he's just a jerk-ass and he doesn't care about us. Then she started in on some psychology bullshit and I tuned her out. She thinks she's some hotshot ever since she started dating Neji and was given the title of 'Head Medi-Ninja of the Hidden Leaf Village'. Well, fuck that. All she's learned how to do is say the same damn thing in fancier words.

And, I mean, how long does it take someone to get over all the crap she was talking about? It's been nine months and that bastard _still_ hasn't spoken two words together to me. We go on fucking missions together and all he says is 'hnnn'. What does that even mean? Everyone else understands perfectly, so maybe I missed the 'translating asshole' class while I was off training with the pervy sage.

The dip-shit doesn't even call me 'idiot' anymore.

Kakashi, Kiba, Shikamaru... hell, everyone was telling me to just give him time. They're still telling me that. I don't know if anyone's noticed that it's been _nine months_! I make fucking life or death decisions every day in less than a second! I don't see how it can take nine months for him to 'deal' with it.

No, he's just a sorry-ass bastard with hair like a duck butt.

* * *

I was eating lunch at the ramen place when it struck me how totally unfair the whole thing was. I mean, I spent half of my time as a kid trying to be like him and get him to like me. And then, when he does, he decides he's got to up and leave, find himself and realize his dream of killing Itachi by becoming one with Orochimaru or some shit.

So you know what I do? I get it into my spiky little head that I need to _rescue_ the bastard. So I run after him for a freaking year or more, trying to drag his sorry ass back here.

'Course, when he eventually decides to come back of his own accord, does he ever thank me? Say 'Naruto, you're such a great pal'? No. The flat-assed brat says exactly five words, "Stay away from me, Naruto." What the hell is that? Seriously? Ungrateful son of a bitch!

As I realize this, I look around the room. Why do I even come here? Hell, the ramen's not even that great! They have a really terrific ramen joint that's closer to my place. Cheaper too. Why do I come here, of all places?

Because of all the memories of Team Seven, stuffing ourselves after a mission well done. I've been sitting here almost every night, brooding about crap that happened ages ago like some cry-baby fangirl. Dude. It was time to change.

I stand up and leave and I'm practically running out of the place. Who needs that shitty memory crap? Not me. Today, I'm starting new. I'll forget about my old crush on Sakura, the rich, elitist bitch, and my old friendship with Sasuke, the back-stabbing, crap-fucking, abandoning bastard. I don't need them. Who does? They're practically the 'dregs of civilization', as Sakura herself put it. No one wants them!

I take a seat at the bar of my new, Team-Seven-free, ramen place. I'm already anticipating the juicy strands of noodles, hot and ready for me to slurp up. I'm salivating so much that I barely notice someone else sitting down next to me with a huff. In fact, I don't even register them murmuring under their breath. It takes a calm mutter of 'idiot' and a smack on the back of the head to get me to turn and look at them.

"Do you mind, you son of a-oh." Unreadable black eyes stare back at me.

"You're in my spot," he says, but I'm barely listening. He's talking to me. He's fucking talking to me.

"What?" I answer, eloquently. Shit. Now he's gonna think I'm mooning over him like all the dumb bitches around here.

He rolls his eyes, giving me that 'I-Am-a-God-and-You-Are-a-Roach-Under-My-Shoe' look that he probably perfected in the cradle. "I always sit there on Friday nights. You took my spot."

I blink at him. Damn, he still looks just like when we were kids. Except taller. And less chubby... not that he ever was. But now, there isn't even a thought of unnecessary pudge left.

He's staring at me. Shit. I should be saying something. "But you don't even like ramen!"

He shakes his head, and scans the bar for a waitress (or waiter) while speaking. "Really? And how would you know?"

I cross my arms. "Cut the crap, Sasuke. I was your fucking best friend. And you always complained when we went to the ramen place."

"Your language hasn't improved any. Are you ever going to learn that there are words longer than four letters?" The expression on his face doesn't change as he calls a waitress and orders. Even though she's shoving her not-inconsiderable boobs in his face. He's fucking asexual or something.

I lean back and a sort of growl comes out. "I don't need to put up with your crap. Just shut up and let me enjoy my ramen."

He makes some sort of disparaging sound in the back of his throat. "I would, but you are in my seat, idiot."

"You don't own it, bastard." My hands clench into fists. Man, I'd love to give him a good punch now. Why couldn't we be kids again, when random fighting in public was considered okay? I glare at him. "I got here first, and I'm using the chair now. Deal."

Sasuke's eyes narrow. "You better not irritate me, idiot."

I gape at him. "Who started talking to who?"

"I wanted my chair. Or, more specifically, I wanted you out of it." His hand on the bar looks like a claw.

"Yeah, well, I wanted to have a family. Bad shit happens, bastard. Why don't you take your head out of your ass and realize that?" I grin, satisfied I got in a good insult there. I'm not rusty at all.

"Hnnn..." That sound again. What the hell is he trying to do by just communicating with that fucking sound? Is he a fucking animal or something?

My ramen is just arriving when, guess who strides in?

Sakura's pink hair hasn't dulled any with time, nor has her temper. She is one fierce bitch. As she storms over to me, I know I'm in trouble.

She grabs my ear, nearly ripping my head off in the process. "Naruto," she hisses, "Why didn't you meet all of us at the ramen place like we agreed?"

Oops. Shit.

I chuckle nervously. "This is a ramen place, Sakura."

She snarls at me. All I can do is cower in fear. "Sorry!" I whimper.

"Guess we all know who wears the pants in your relationship," Sasuke's smooth, emotionless voice states. Damn. I'd forgotten the douchebag was there.

Sakura spins around to take in the sight of Mr. Asshole-Galore smirking at us. God, I hate his smirk.

"Sasuke," Sakura says tightly. Damn. Never would've guessed that she used to practically drop her pants around him. Go Sakura! Cold bitches can be good for something!

Sasuke inclines his head. "Sakura."

She whirls back on me. "What are you doing sitting with him? He's-"

I put up my hands. Jeez, is she worked up! "Sakura, he just sat next to me! I swear!"

Sakura's eyes are little slits. "Naruto, it is not healthy for you to seek Sasuke out. What you both need is some time alone to-"

"Hey!" I bark. "I told you, I didn't go looking for-"

"Naruto! Please! I know you better than that! You can't honestly expect me to-"

I jump to my feet. "This may surprise you, Sakura, but my life doesn't revolve around this douche-bag! I don't even like him! So will you please leave me the hell alone and go back to your perfect life and fuck your perfect boyfriend!"

I'm panting pretty heavily after my huge blow up. It's dead quiet. That's when I realize that all of my fucking friends must've followed Sakura and they heard everything.

Shit. This was going to be all over the village by tomorrow.

Sakura is shaking with rage. "How dare you talk to me like that when I was only trying to help! You ungrateful asshole! It would serve you right if I never spoke to you again!"

"Please. Do." I tell her seriously.

She punches me.

I probably deserve that.

I crash into the opposite wall. Damn Sakura's crazy strength. I shake my head blearily as she stomps out. I'm not too concerned about it. We've got too much history for her to cut me out. She always forgives me for my shit, even though sometimes I wish she wouldn't.

Kiba and Choji rush in to help me up. I wave them off. I'm pretty used to this whole thing.

Kiba's laughing. "Damn. She really got you this time."

I make some indecipherable noise (that sounds nothing like 'hnnn'). I'm not really in the mood to laugh with Kiba.

"You alright?" Shikamaru asks. He's standing some distance away, his arm around Temari.

"Yep!" I stretch and give my trademark grin. "Think I'll just head back to my place, though."

Choji still looks worried. Like I'm upset about the fight with Sakura or something. "If you need anything..."

I roll my eyes. I'm not some fucking sensitive chick. "Dude. I'm fine."

They all file out, waving goodbye. I wave back and turn to head back to my seat, only to see a disgusting case of duck butt hair in it. He's smirking. Figures he'd use my injury as a reason to take the stool. Good thing I have no appetite anymore. I flip him the finger as I leave the restaurant.

Bastard.

* * *

The next morning I'm called up to old Tsunade's office. She's recovered, thanks to Sakura. It's how Sakura became the Head Medi-Ninja. She came up with some super cool medi-jutsu thing. I don't really know. Sakura tried to explain it to me once, but we all know that I don't get that shit.

I'm late, like usual. Tsunade's going to give me hell about it. But I ended up staying up half the night, not able to sleep. I have a god damn awful headache. Maybe I can get Sakura to help. She's probably forgiven me by now.

I burst through the doors into the Hokage's office and freeze the moment I'm inside. There are already three ninjas there. Three ninjas I know a whole lot better than I'd like.

Kakashi.

Sakura.

And That Bastard.

"Holy fuck," I breath out loud. Sakura huffs.

"Exactly." She's hating this situation as much as I am. "Sensei, you know that I trust your judgement in all things, but I think that this isn't such a great idea."

No shit. Tsunade's off her rocker. "What's going on?" She better not be planning on making us do a mission together.

"I have a mission for you four. It's a class S mission that I think you would be extremely suited for. I-"

"No." I blurt out, striding forward. Tsunade's eyes widen in shock. "No way in fucking hell am I doing a mission with Public Bastard Number One over there!"

Tsunade purses her lips. "Naruto, from what I hear, you were one of the greatest teams we've seen around here in a while. Good enough to rival my childhood team." She pauses, eyes teary for a moment. "I think we should give this a shot." Thank god the old granny likes me. Sees the pervy sage or her brother or something in me. Anyone else and their head would've rolled.

Sakura takes a step forward to stand beside me. "I'm with Naruto, Sensei. I think there are too many personal conflicts for this to be a successful grouping."

I can see the anger rising in Tsunade's eyes. Luckily, she likes Sakura too. She turns to Kakashi. "What do you think?"

He tilts his head. "I really don't see any issue. In some respects, I think this is necessary. At some point, these three may have to work together in a more extreme situation. It's important for them to cast aside the personal issues they are having right now."

Tsunade leans back in her chair, and a smug smile settles on her face. Damn Kakashi. Now we were stuck. "I completely agree Kakashi." She turns to Sakura and I. "You four will depart tomorrow. And _you will_ cooperate. This is an extremely difficult mission I'm entrusting to you."

I make a face at Sakura and she rolls her eyes. "What exactly is this mission, Sensei?"

Tsunade clasps her hands in her lap. "We have recently received information regarding the location of Kabuto. We believe he may be hiding in the mountains near the Hidden Rock Village. I'm sending you four to scout out the terrain, discover his location and destroy him. Remember that our relations with Hidden Rock have not always been... kindly, so watch your step while you are there. Also, it's important that you retrieve any of his experimental data and projects for us to inspect back here. Do you understand how important this is?"

I'd have to be fucking brain dead to not understand the importance of this. Shit, I'm not a complete idiot. Despite contrary opinions, I have a couple of brain cells left.

Our faces must've answered the question. Tsunade waved her hand. "You must leave. Be ready by tomorrow. And _no_ complaining. You aren't babies anymore."

"Fuck this shit," I mutter under my breath. Tsunade glares. Damn. She heard me.

"Come on, Naruto," Sakura growls, grabbing my hand and tugging me out of the room. Apparently, I've been forgiven. That pretty much sums up our friendship. United by a common purpose... or enemy, in this case.

Man. It's really fucked up that she's my best friend. But hey! It's better than that complete and utter douchebag.

Sakura is ranting. "-just can't believe it! On such an important mission too! We'll be out there for _months_. We'll have to share our space with that back-stabbing, egregious, disingenuous, stoic, staid, heinous asshole! He's completely incorrigible! He's totally reprehensible! I can't believe he was ever vindicated! If I have to put up with his insolence for more than two hours, I'll go insane! Don't you agree, Naruto?"

"Are we pretending I understood any of that?" I ask warily. Sakura tries to look offended, but a crooked grin wins out.

"Naruto, do you _ever_ read?" We come to a halt in front of the new ramen place.

I shudder, party from horror at the thought of books and partly from the anticipation of ramen. "Not if I can help it." I scratch my head. "Ah, hell, Sakura. Sorry for blowing up at you last night."

"You better be," she snarls, punching my arm. Hard. Ow. Shit. Strength moderation, woman! She crosses her arms. I rub mine. "I'll forgive you as long as you bring me a big cup of coffee tomorrow. On you."

"Coffee. Why?" That's such a weird thing to ask for.

Sakura gives me a saucy smile. "If it's my last night with Neji for a couple of months, I'm not going to be _sleeping._"

I clap my hands over my ears. "Ew! I don't need to hear about your sex life, Sakura!"

She raises an eyebrow. "You made my sex life fair game when you told me to fuck my boyfriend last night. And I did, just so you know."

I wince. "Shit. My bad."

She snorts. "What're you going to do tonight?"

I shrug. "I don't know. Maybe be see if the group wants to hang out." I didn't really feel like socializing, but whatever. I wouldn't see them for months. Probably should.

She pats my shoulder. "Well, let's have a cup of ramen. It'll be soothing."

"Sure." I trail after her. "You know you're my best friend, right?"

She turns putting her hands on her hips and scowling. "I better be, with all the crap I put up with."

God. She's such a bitch.

* * *

So I end up not hanging out with my friends. Instead, I go to some shitty bar and decide to get drunk.

I _know_ it's not good when someone slides in beside me again. This time, I turn to speak to him.

"Let me guess," I say sarcastically. "You go here every Saturday night and I'm in your seat. Again."

His fingers drum on the bar. "Yes, except for the last part. _This_ is my seat." His fingernails are painted black. Weird.

He notices me staring and curls his fingers into a fist. "Itachi used to paint his."

"Oh." I shift uncomfortably. Delicate territory here. Not exactly my strong point.

Our drinks come together and I accept that the bar is full and I'm going to have to put up with him. He downs his beer even faster than I do. Shit, he must _really_ want to get drunk.

After about two more beers, my tongue is officially loosened and my curiosity gets the best of me. I turn to face him, full on. "What do _you_ think of the mission?"

He signals for another round of beers. "What do you care? Last I checked I was 'Public Bastard Number One'."

I make a pouty face at him. "Awww... were poor little Sasuke's feelings hurt?"

Damn. The guy can still glare like a freaking ice demon. I can't help inching away. He's fierce. "In my opinion, I think that it's good I'm getting such great pay for this mission since I have to hang around with you two childish idiots."

"Hey!" I protest, affronted. "Who didn't speak to who for nine months?"

"Uh... you." This dude has fucking perfected the deadpan. But otherwise, he doesn't know shit.

"No bastard, that'd be you." More beer arrives and we have a semi-chug contest. I kick his ass this time. Although, I'm getting drunk enough that the beer could be going down my shirt and I wouldn't notice. I check my shirt. Great. Still dry.

Sasuke wipes his mouth clean of beer foam. "I've no idea what you're rambling about."

"You haven't spoken to me! Since you got back!" I point a shaky, but accusing finger at him. "You told me to stay away!"

"No duh." Sasuke rolls his eyes. "You were covered in Madara's intestines and you still had one of Kyuubi's tails. I wasn't about to let you touch me."

Whoa. Overload of information here. I shake my head to clear it. Kinda hard when you're drunk. "You mean, you didn't hate me?"

He props his chin on his hand, surprisingly sloppy posture for him. Then again, I suppose he's pretty fucking drunk too. How many beers have we had? Five? Six? "Well, yeah, I did. I mean, you turned out to be right about the whole thing. Plus, I'd been looking forward to killing you." He fucking sighs, like he's still sad it didn't happen. Fucking psycho. "But after lots and lots of forced therapy, I've realized that I hated you simply because you always pulled out emotions in me I didn't know where there. You're unpredictable... and I don't like what I can't control. When we were enemies... well, any time really, it drove me crazy."

"Shit," I breath. He had to be drunker than I was to spew that out. "So you don't hate me now?"

More beer. "Nope. At least not at this particular moment." His onyx eyes take me in. "You're still an idiot though. Ask me again after our mission."

I smile, laying my head on my arms. "That's nice. I thought you couldn't stand me, you know?"

I watch his mouth slide around the slick beer glass, take a long sip, and then release it. Unconsciously, I lick my own. He shifts to stare at me. "Why did you try so hard to bring me back?"

That's a funky question. Alcohol getting to his head? "You were my best friend."

"That's bull," he states calmly and my head jolts up. "No one would go that far for a friend."

I cross my arms. "Jiraiya did."

Sasuke rolls his eyes and adopts his holier-than-thou expression. "Orochimaru and Jiraiya used to date."

I gape at him incredulously. "But the pervy sage loved women!"

Sasuke waves a dismissive hand. "Bisexual. Orochimaru was just gay though."

I run a hand through my hair, no doubt mussing it even more. "That's insane. He never told me." A thought hits. "Wait... how do you know?"

His jaw tightens. "Orochimaru told me."

"When? Why?" Maybe I was just drunk, but the pieces weren't exactly adding up.

He turns his face away as he answers. "In bed."

"Whoa! Hold up." My faces wrinkles in disgust. "You slept with Orochimaru?"

Sasuke purses his lips. "Kind of came with the job description."

I make a face. "Gross." Then something clicks in my brain. "Are _you_ gay then?"

Obviously frustrated, Sasuke sneers at me. "Bisexual, actually."

I nod, not really absorbing any of this. "Cool." My mind plunges into the gutter. "Who topped?"

I takes him about a fucking minute to respond. Instead, he gives me the 'Oh-please-Naruto' look. Very close to his 'were-you-born-brainless' look. Except this one implies that he knows a brain doesn't factor in.

Finally, grudgingly, he responds. "I did. Of course."

I'm getting a kick out of this. "Always in control, huh? Was he any good?"

"Why? You interested?" He shoots back. And he complains about _my_ maturity.

"Just wondering if he was worth losing your virginity to." I've got a stupid grin plastered to my face and I know it. This is prime blackmail material right here.

He calls for shots now. "I didn't lose it to him. I slept with girls first. And then, when I turned fifteen..."

"Ever bottom?" Okay, even _I _am wondering why I'm so damn curious.

Apparently, he's had enough. He faces me dead on. "Why, Naruto? You want to fuck me like all the other dumb bitches in this town?"

"I'm sure they'd prefer the term 'make love'," I lob back, but I'm thrown off by his accusation. What the hell? Just because he's somewhat attractive to women does not mean the bastard is allowed to get away with saying shit like that. I'm straight. Even for Sasuke. Especially for Sasuke.

"You didn't answer the question." His eyes are glinting with pure evil. I'm so fucked. "_Do_ you want to, Naruto?"

I lean away from him. I open my mouth to say, "No, definitely not" but, "I don't think so," is what comes out. Damn. Who the hell's idea was it to get drunk in the first place?

He smirks and I can appreciate, objectively, that he's pretty damn sexy. "I've bottomed exactly twice in my life. But I wouldn't mind making you the third."

My mouth is dry. "Are you coming on to me?" I blurt out. This is way too fucked up.

"Hnnn..." Fuck that sound. "You are such an idiot, idiot." He scoots closer. "I believe that volunteering to bottom for someone does come under the heading of 'coming on'."

"Why?" I am so lost. Not that the alcohol is helping any.

He is so frustrated. His words come quick and clipped. "I'm drunk. I'm bi. You're obviously confused about it. You like me enough to stalk me around the world for a year or so, which practically means you love me. You are one of the few people I find tolerable. I don't see why not." He narrows his eyes. "I making a huge concession by even thinking of bottoming. I _don't_ bottom."

"B-b-b-but!" I sputter, but he's done with waiting for an answer that would've taken days anyways. He seals his lips over mine.

They're nice, Sasuke's lips. Soft and warm and smooth. They're twisting and turning with mine before I know it. He's fierce, trying to control the kiss like the control freak he is. Before I know it, I'm fighting back with everything I've got.

Just to put it out there, I've kissed a fair number of girls. More than I can count on one hand. But as I battle with Sasuke's tongue, I realize that I've never had to fight for dominance before. And it's pretty damn hot.

Somehow, his bar stood has slid closer and our legs are jumbled together. One of my hands is in his hair, pulling him closer, forcing his face lower so I have more power. His hands are planted solidly on my chest, roving pretty much everywhere. God. The bastard does know what he's doing.

I pull back an inch to breath... and to figure out what in fucking hell is going on. Sasuke's hands are insistently pulling me back.

"Straight," I tell him.

"Fuck straight," he replies, before diving into my neck. I let out an involuntary gasp and my head falls back.

"Holy ramen." He's got the right idea, for once. My eyes are half shut and I can barely see his dark head working at my skin. Much as I don't want to admit it... I want to screw him into the bar.

He seems to sense my sudden realization. Or maybe he can feel it. The male anatomy makes these things pretty damn clear.

He pulls away and looks up at me. "My place is close."

I nod hurriedly. "Sounds good."

It's a bit hard walking, especially fast. But hell if I'm going to let myself change my mind. Of course, being me, I can't shut up.

"Is this going to make things awkward?" I ask Sasuke as I trip along at his side. Not that his answer will change anything.

"No more than your constant drooling did." He picks up speed. Shit, and here I thought he was completely smashed. He must be pretty damn good at holding his alcohol.

"Will we be like... a..." I can't find the word.

"Couple?" Sasuke finishes sarcastically. "God, I hope not. I'm fine with dating and fucking but couples are always so irritating."

"Soooo... This isn't a one-night stand?" His brain makes no fucking sense. He is such a mess.

He skids to a halt and I almost fall over. "I like you. I think you're a tolerable companion. I've got a feeling you'll be good in bed, if we ever get there. I don't meet a person like that every day. So yeah, I'd like to date, or fuck, or whatever the hell it's called." He glares at me. "Are you done asking stupid questions now, idiot? Don't bother asking if I'm in love with you or that shit. Because I am definitely not."

I think on it. A hard task, even normally, but now I'm drunk. "Uh... I don't think so." He had asked a question, hadn't he? Before talking about love and shit.

"Thank fucking God," he mutters and we're moving again.

* * *

He said he would bottom but he's not acting like it.

We're on his bed, making out while furiously trying to remove as much clothing as possible. I keep rolling on top and then he'll roll us back over. So it's basically turned into another one of our fights, except using tongues instead of shuriken.

"Keep your promise and fucking bottom, bastard," I hiss as I attempt to pin him on his back again. His shirt's off and I try to remember what girls did that felt good on me. I give his right nipple a flick and he moans. Right on track. Mental high five.

"Make me," he gasps back as he attempts to switch our positions again. I distract him, sliding a knee between his legs. We're both still fully clothed from our hips down. I've even still got my shoes on.

His back arcs off the bed. Yeah, it's been a while for him. Luckily, it keeps him from trying to roll us over as I ply with the waist band of his pants.

"Hurry up, idiot!" he grunts, jerking his hips up to rub against mine. And I'm okay with that because god, does it feel good. I grit my teeth as we grind against each other. It's funny... he's leaner than I am, but I'm shorter. Weird. But good.

I'm fumbling with his belt and it's tough. I've never fucking done it with a guy before and girls don't wear belts. You know, we guys really wear too much clothing. I can fully appreciate that now, as I try to get everything off Sasuke.

I slide his pants off and mash my lips against his, eyes closed. I'm fucking freaking out. I mean, it's Sasuke below me, completely naked, and as much as that totally turns me on, I'm fucking scared. I've never seen another guy's dick before, god damn it. I deliberately don't look.

He pulls away, growling. "You are such an idiot, Naruto," he states as he pulls off my pants easily. And then he's working down my body and rolling us over and I don't give a flying fuck because it feels good. And then-

I swear, no one can give blow jobs like Sasuke Uchiha.

He stops right before it's finished, though. Which fucking pisses me off. I practically throw him onto his back, clamber on top of him, lick the fingers of my right hand and then insert one finger into him.

I'm kinda surprised I find it right away. But he grunts and squirms as I shove another finger in, scissoring them. A loud moan alerts me that I've found his prostate. I watch in glee as the formidable Sasuke Uchiha dissolves into a moaning, writhing mess.

He doesn't beg though, just glares at me with lust clouded eyes. "Get on with it, idiot."

I bite my lip. I've heard about this before. "Ummm... lube?"

He groans and extends a hand to point at the beside table. "Third drawer."

I yank the drawer open and spot it immediately. I spin the cap off and dip my hand into to grab a glob of it. Staring at my hand, I realize.

I'm going to screw Sasuke Uchiha.

Fuck.

I freeze.

"Oh, no you don't," Sasuke snarls. Grabbing the lube, he coats his hand and then slides it firmly around my dick.

Fuck does that feel good.

He jerks his hand up and down a few times and then slaps my head. "You're good. Go, idiot. I swear, I will top if you don't hurry up and fuck me."

That threat is enough to get me moving. I pry his legs apart, although it doesn't take much and slide in between them. Carefully, I position myself at his entrance. Very, very slowly, I push in.

I guess it felt different than a girl. I couldn't really tell, you know? I just focused on the heat and the warmth and how fucking good it felt to be in him. In Sasuke Uchiha.

"God..." he gasps. "Move. Now."

And god, do I move. With those words he sets me free and I can't help myself. I pound into his ass like there was no fucking tomorrow. I keep changing my angles, trying to find that spot for him, because I want him to enjoy this as much as I am. Because this is an experience I wouldn't mind repeating.

And suddenly he lets out a strangled shout. His legs wrap around my waist and I hoist them higher, onto my shoulders. We're moving together, both making sounds that we'll be embarrassed about in the morning. But it's heaven and hell and all the best things on earth. And it's so _right_ that I can't believe we didn't do this years ago.

And it finally ends and I shout out with all I have, and to my surprise, it's his name that comes out. He follows after by a few seconds (I can't believe it, but I'm _touching _him), tightening on me and feeling like the best god damn thing in the world.

Afterwards, we collapse next to each other. I turn my head to grin at him. He's covered in sweat and breathing hard. Just like when we would work for hours on our battle skills, each trying to out-do the other.

I nudge him and he turns to look at me warily. "That was pretty damn amazing."

He snorts. "Of course it was. I told you."

I prop myself up onto my elbow and frown. "I never disagreed."

He crosses his arms. "Deal with it Naruto. I was right this time."

This is the weirdest shit ever. I'm in Sasuke Uchiha's house, lying in his bed, just having fucked him, and we're already arguing. I guess that's just how we roll. Or however you say that shit.

* * *

The next day, Sasuke and I are looking distinctly messy when we show up for the mission. And we aren't the only ones. Sakura has rings under her eyes and a hickey peeking out of her collar. But that doesn't stop her from noticing us and narrowing her eyes.

"Naruto..." Her voice is soft, but I know better than to believe it. She's onto something. "Did you get laid last night?"

I scratch the back on my head. Awkward. Tsunade and Kakashi are both watching. I have the eerie feeling that Sasuke is laughing under his breath. "Well... uh... yeah... I-"

Sakura takes a step closer. "Oh really? Who was she?"

I feel like fucking prey. "Well, as a matter a fact, it wasn't a... she..."

Her eyes don't show any surprise. "Naruto Uzumaki, I can't believe you fucked Sasuke Uchiha before me. That is a blasphemy to our friendship."

I gape at her. "Wait, you aren't going to yell or punch m-"

As a fist slams into my face, I realize that I spoke too soon.

As my head spins, I hear my new boyfriend, or whatever he is, laughing.

Sasuke Uchiha is a piece of shit.

* * *

**Hope you all enjoyed! Thanks for reading! Please review!**


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